I could barely drag myself out of bed this morning. It wasn’t a terrible sleep but I’m feeling exhausted. Not really sure why. I did my double workout and that’s about it for the day.
I’m going to try and get a ‘shadows’ photo done tomorrow. This is more of a challenge than I was expecting so soon into this project (week 2).
Here’s Day 11 of the writing challenge. If you’d like to see the full challenge details, click here. All 30 days will be posted here.
Day 11: Something you always think ‘What if’ about?
A quick backstory for this question. I grew up in a home with domestic violence. I was sexually abused (when I was very little) and mentally abused up until I was about 28, when my dad finally stopped drinking.
Okay, so I always think ‘what if’ we had of left my dad. My mum asked me when I was about 15 if I wanted to leave. She’d never wanted to before because she was worried he’d kill us or her parents. I’m not sure where her courage come from. At the time I had met some good people and I felt settled amidst all my usual chaos. I said no to leaving. She never brought it up again.
I wonder if we had of left, if she would still be alive today. She had a heart attack not long after my 21st birthday. She had neglected her health for many years (a path I had been recreating.) I wonder if I would have become something. I wonder if I’d have kids of my own. Mostly I wonder if I could have been happy.
Today was supposed to be a relaxing day. Today is the most stressed and unhappy I have felt for sometime. It’s like I’ve been on the verge of hyperventilating all day. Living with depression feels like my greatest challenge to overcome and sometimes I don’t feel like I have the strength for this battle.
I don’t think anything has happened to set this sad mood in motion but it now feels like an out of control car, with no brakes, going down a hill, headed for a lake.
I woke up and worked out and meditated just like I should. Both tasks were harder than normal. While I worked out (on a day I wouldn’t normally, pushing myself as hard as I could) that nagging voice of doubt sparked up. Constant words of ‘this won’t work’, ‘you’re wasting your time’, swirled and stayed.
They got louder as I tried to immerse myself in meditation. In the 10 minute meditation program, I could barely hold focus for more than 30 seconds before my brain had wandered off to throw rotten fruit at my attempt.
After a disappointing morning, I crawled back into bed by early afternoon. I just wanted to nap it all away. That didn’t work and I woke to feeling the same. At this point I am just going through the motions and looking forward to more sleep.
I’m not sure if I’m feeling rundown or if I’m feeling overwhelmed at a month of big life changes (after 8+ years of no changes.) I know I don’t want to bury my head in pointless tasks, just so I can somewhat numb the pain, like I used to do. I must be on the right path now or at very least path adjacent. Self doubt is today’s hurdle.
Tomorrow I will try again.
Hugs and support for anyone who is facing an uphill battle.
It’s one month since I’ve started my journey and I have made some progress. Working out is very much a part of my day now. I’m about a week away from adding an extra daily workout. While I find it a little daunting still, I’m very committed to continuing the fitness journey. I never thought I’d hear myself saying that.
My first task for today was knitting. I found a guide, got my knitting needles and yarn and spent hours fiddling only to realise I am not a natural at knitting, not even a little bit. I’m sure I’ll pick it up but right now it feels like I’m trying to knit with two left feet. Yes, feet!
My second task for the day was to draw something. By the time I sat down to this task, I was feeling far too unhappy to focus. I scrolled through some pictures online for inspiration but it didn’t help. I’ll put this task aside for a new day.
So why was I unhappy? I’m lonely. It hit me like a truck as I sat in silence with one of only three people that I talk to. I’m not sure I remember how to have a normal conversation. I don’t know how to be a friend. I mean, I’m a great listener, supportive and caring but I just don’t know how to interact with people enough that someone wants to waste their time on me. I’m grateful for those that do.
Tomorrow I’m going to get some thing packed/unpacked and do one creative task.
It’s almost one month since I started this journey. In some ways I’m happy with the progress I’m making, in other ways, I’m disappointed at myself for not being more determined.
I feel like I’ve got a great morning routine and I get a lot done. I work out, get housework done and usually still manage to fit a little something creative in there too.
Once the afternoon comes, so does a very flat mood. I’m really not sure why I find it so hard to keep doing things. It is going to take a lot of effort to change these habits. Sometimes it feels like I don’t have the mental energy for it but I know I have to keep pushing.
Today, for example, I spent all afternoon wanting to vacuum but worried it would make my pain feel worse. That made me feel like I was letting myself down, letting hubby down, letting wifey down (even if she’s in the US) and then I just felt flat.
I think in the afternoons I should try adding some meditation and most definitely some arts and crafts, when the stuff finally gets here. Hopefully a creative release will help get the smiles flowing.
I wasn’t feeling great today, so spent a good part of it in bed. I did get a bit of housework done, worked out and sang. Not my best day but not my worst.
I’m really looking forward to learning to knit and to do some painting. I think I’ve become a little obsessed with the idea and all other creative projects seem less enjoyable at this point.
I would still like to write some short stories but I’ve got a strange relationship with words and it’s going to take some time to get into the swing of it. I even find writing these blog posts hard. I guess I just start to wonder if anyone really wants to hear what I have to say. There are a lot of people, saying a lot of things, does my voice really need to be added to that?
Not dwelling on any negative feels, I’m going to stay focused on doing better each day.
The day started well. I did housework, I worked out, I wrote down a few short story ideas and I sang for hours. It was such an uplifting morning and then the afternoon kicked in.
It kinda started when I was working out. The whole time I just kept thinking that I was wasting my time. Thinking that the things I’m doing won’t make a difference. I finished my workout but that was where the slow decline into depression started.
By the late afternoon I felt like I was on the verge of hyperventilating for hours. I tried singing again to distract myself but the bad feels have kept coming and coming strong. By evening I was a puddle of tears and have been for the last hour. My pain levels are on the rise too. Not the best way to finish the day.
I’ve done more today than I have over the last couple and yet I feel so down on myself. Tomorrow is another day and I’ll try twice as hard to shake the bad feels.