Day 221

I woke just after 8 am and waited patiently for art-spiration to strike. I was hoping it would be like a lightning strike but… nothing. Even after spending a good hour browsing photos, there was nothing that I wanted to art. I was also running out of time, so I put the art project on the back burner.

I had a comment on yesterday’s post asking when I would be doing my blog in French. Great question! While I’ve been learning for about 3 months, I’m not sure how good the things I’ve learned are for writing a blog post.

Curious, I opened up Google Translate, had the language set to French and made sentences off the top of my head, until I had about a paragraph amount. The translation into English made sense. I don’t know how to type the accented letters, so I just used plain ole’ English letters.


‘Salut. Je m’appelles Matilda. J’habite dans une trois piece la maison avec mon mari et ma femme. Nous avons un chien. Je parle un anglais et un petit Francais. J’aime la pizza, la musique, le chocolat et les vaches. Je vais ouvert la fenetre. Au revoir.’


Translated into English…
Hello. My name is Matilda. I live in a three-room house with my husband and wife. We have a dog. I speak English and a little French. I like pizza, music, chocolate and cows. I’m going to open the window. Goodbye.


So unless I have a busy day of opening doors and windows, while commenting on horses, dogs, cats and cows eating pizza, it could still be some time before I could write a blog post.

NEW GOAL: Write my 40th birthday blog post in French.

From 10.30 am until… dinner time, I played WoW with friends. This has become a highlight of my week. I spent the whole day laughing. Well, mostly. Towards the end I had a bit of a social anxiety type event. I was asked to join in the groups Discord channel. I thought about it but seeing that there were four people in there, I got really intimidated and didn’t want to join in.

Then I spent the next hour having obsessive conversations with myself about how I’m not normal. What must people think about me if I can’t even join in a simple conversation? I wanted to. I just couldn’t stop my heart from pounding, my mind from racing and my body from feeling sick. Hours later and I’m still feeling it. Ugh.

I’m going to get an early night tonight. Not sure what tomorrow will hold but I plan on holding a pencil.

I hope your weekend has been filled with relaxing, good memories and a handful of your favourite things.

Tilly

Paris bottle image from Unsplash

Day 117

The end of my day has turned into a bit of a nightmare. Hmmm, I think that’s too dramatic.

The end of my day has turned into a big ol’ headache. It’s made me feel so annoyed that I can’t even recount my day without bundles of anger clouding my reality. Anger that just wasn’t there in the first place.

Today’s drawing topic; sunshine. This was the craziest topic that I have encountered during this challenge and it’s one, quiet frankly, I didn’t want to tackle. I found a single reference picture on Google and attempted to make sunshine. It worked. The irony is, without sunshine, I can’t actually take a photo of it. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully I can share sunshine with you then.

I really don’t feel like recounting the half wins of the day. Some things got done, some things didn’t. I cleaned. I drew. I practised French.

The sun-shiniest part of my day was when a friend said… ‘bonne nuit’. I know that he doesn’t know how to speak French but he found out how to say good night, just so he could say good night. Just thinking about it makes me smile.

I think it’s important to remember that sometimes the little things can make the biggest difference in someones day. A simple compliment, a friendly smile, a helpful hand or even a single word could be the difference between someone being sad or happy.

If you need an encouraging word; I think you’re fantastic and the world is a better place for having you in it.

Light and happiness to all.

Tilly

Day 115

I started the day strong. I got French out of the way first. It was another confident day of words. Sometimes I forget the ‘s’ at the end of a word and I do still confuse ‘ta and ton’. I know that’s just that I’m not translating each word to make sure it makes sense. I’m still happy with my progress.

Next it was time to workout. I was tempted to add an extra 15 minutes to the workout but after the first 3 minutes of working out, I knew that wouldn’t be possible. The fatigue in my muscles was back. I wonder if it’s just because I’ve been working out harder and by the end of the week, my body has just had enough. Will see how it goes next week.

Today’s drawing challenge topic; a teapot. I have been looking forward to this topic. I like when it gives me an actual thing and not just ‘something geometric’ or a ‘line drawing’, even if I really liked how the line lion drawing turned out.

There are so many pretty teapots out there but without the use of colour, it would have been difficult to capture their beauty. This was my reference picture and I feel like I captured it well.

All challenge drawings can be found here…
40 Day Drawing Challenge on Three Peas, One Pod

That’s where my day fell apart. I just couldn’t get myself together enough to paint or do anything really. By mid afternoon I had sneaked off to bed and got a couple of hours rest before hubby got home. My brain seems to be running at a million miles a minute and I just can’t put the brakes on. I’m exhausting myself.

I hope your Saturday has been filled with sunshine and smiles.

Tilly

Day 112

I woke up just before 6.30 am again and started the day. First it was French. I got through about 30 minutes of practice runs and started learning some ‘Flirting’ words. I’ve always been a bit of a flirt and thought it could be fun. I think it’ll take me longer than a week to pick up.

Today’s drawing topic; Fruit. This was next on the agenda. I browsed a number of fruity reference pictures and settled on this delicious array of goodies.

All challenge drawings can be found here…
40 Day Drawing Challenge on Three Peas, One Pod

Once hubby had left for work, I got to working out. It was hard and fast but not as fast as yesterday. I’m enjoying pushing myself harder again. I’m glad the body fatigue hasn’t been as bad the last few days.

After that I got my social on in a big way. The friend I’ve been hanging out with this week had another day off work and this would be the last, so we had to make it count. That meant some pretty deep conversation. At the time it felt nice to be able to talk about my life openly but now I feel like I’ve overshared and anxiety is eating me alive.

That was my day. I really need to do something creative tomorrow. I need to be distracted. I wish it was already time for bed. UGH!

I hope your day was filled with lovely conversation and good feels.

Tilly

Day 66

[Written around 11 am]
If I was a child, you would find me in a busy shopping centre, in the middle of an aisle, kicking and screaming and throwing the most dramatic tantrum. In reality, I’m sitting in the lounge room, sobbing. Everything feels hopeless, everything seems pointless, the journey drags on. The bad feels have staked their claim like a prospector in gold rush times. There’s guns a blazin’ and a smell of desperation in the air.

After about 5 hours sleep, I rose to shiver and scowl under a fluffy blanket. The morning came too quick and I was feeling unprepared. Hubby and I had an unpleasant conversation about conversations. Blasted conversation.

Hubby left for work and I worked out and showered. Both were laced with bouts of sobbing. When I say sobbing, I mean the sort of gut wrenching sob that comes from a deep place, followed by a gasp of breath as if it was your last. My dramatic has been cranked to 11.

[Written around 2 pm]
I spent the rest of the morning mindlessly staring at Good Mythical Morning episodes. Soon as I’d run out of new episodes, I decided to sing.

The singing was also splashed with tears. I decided to at least sing sad sounding songs, so the quivery voice would at least fit. Not the most uplifting of ideas but it passed some time creatively.

[Written around 6 pm]
After lunch, with no desire to be creative, I logged on to WoW to pass some time. I was thrust into an intense social situation which was overwhelming. I tried to focus but it was hard. There were more tears.

Once the chaos had died down and I was left with my two friends, I had a couple of laughs and started feeling a bit lighter.

By late afternoon I felt like I was trying to hang on to the bad mood. If it could be that bad all day, then surely I was really feeling that bad. The bad feels were real but I did start feeling better.

I did my French refresher again. Until I can get through each practice run without a mistake, I’ll just keep practicing. I’d prefer to take it slow and actually learn how to speak French over rushing it and only remembering a few words.

The pile next to my computer

To end the night I picked up my knitting needles and tried to start a knitting pattern. I haven’t even been able to get past the first row yet. I’m on my fourth attempt. Fingers crossed this will be the one that works.

Today is not one I can be proud of but I do need to share the lows alongside the highs. That’s life and life is about learning how to deal with all of it. I am not defined by one bad day, it was simply a bad day. I am not defined by a string of bad days. Every day is a chance to try again. I’ll just keep trying.

Tilly

Day 65

Today didn’t really go as planned, although I didn’t really have anything planned. I woke a little bit late and didn’t feel like doing the day. I got my workout out of the way quickly and really enjoyed pushing myself hard but still didn’t really feel like daying.

After that I thought I’d play a little WoW for some mindless fun before I started a knitting project. 7 hours later, I logged off.

Before I start the story of my time in WoW, I will point out that I’m not a very social person. I never leave the house and I’m never around people. The last time I left the house was well over a year ago. I find being in social situations very stressful and that includes being in voice chat on Discord. I’m always worried I won’t hear or understand people properly, that my response will be the wrong one or people will think I’m not very smart.

The first thing that happened was an out of the ordinary encounter with a bully. I created a group and had someone apply that just wasn’t up to the job. I declined them. Then we had an exchange of words that sorta went like this…

Him: jks
Me: I don’t know what you mean
Him: Just kill yourself
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re trying to say
Him: Slit your wrists
Him: Bleed out
Him: Just die
Me: I still don’t know what you mean
Him: Kill yourself
Him: Even your mom won’t miss you
Me: Are you even speaking English? What do you mean?

It was at that point he had blocked me and our witty banter came to a screeching halt. I felt it was a pretty good way to deal with a bully. I mean, what was he going to do? He wasn’t making any ground, he couldn’t hurt me with word nor fist, so he gave up.

While all that was going on, I was in Discord, just hanging out with a friend who always makes me voice chat. I say that he makes me because I never really want to and he always calls before I can say no. In saying that, I do enjoy his company and feel pretty comfortable with him, although, I can go for long periods without saying anything to him.

Two hours later we were joined by a mutual friend. I’ve been playing the game with her for a couple of years. She’s super friendly and sweet but we don’t voice chat often. The three of us had lots of laughs and I felt mostly comfortable. After a couple of hours, I started to feel a little worn out and wasn’t participating as much in the conversation, which they noticed and commented on.

Five hours later, we were joined by another person, who I didn’t really know. With the noise and chaos of three voices, feeling worn out and with a stranger in the midst, I withdrew from the conversation, only ever giving short answers. I have nothing against the third person but this situation had become too hard.

I said that I wanted to be more social, so I feel this was a step in the right direction. It’s a situation I will likely find myself in again. It’s a situation where I am forced to participate and respond. I’m sure it will all be more comfortable eventually but right now, I am drained.

I feel like I have wasted a day but human interactions are valuable and important and it’s something I really need to do more.

After all that talking, I still did my French refreshers. There are a number of things that I’m having trouble remembering. A lot of small things like ‘s’ being on the end of words or that croissants are male and the masculine of ‘the’ is le. In fact, I’m not sure that’s true. Eep! More practice.

Tomorrow I will make sure to get something creative done but there’ll be a little relaxing too. Sunday is going to be a busy day of spring cleaning.

I hope life has treated you kindly this week.

Tilly