Day 359 – 367

Happy One Year Blogiversary to me. Thanks to everyone who has followed my journey so far, stuck with me through the hard times and offered advice, feedback, well wishes and likes. I know I am not alone in my struggles and the support I’ve had over the last year is priceless. I hope you will continue following my journey through the upcoming years.

Day 359 – 27 March 2020

I felt okay when I woke up but didn’t really want to push myself too hard. I thought I’d start the day with some casual WoW playing. 13 hours later I logged off and went to bed. I got totally consumed levelling a new character. WoW was doing double levelling experience so it was very quick. It wasn’t really the best way to spend the day but it was enjoyable and as I always say; you have to enjoy the little things.

Day 360 – 28 March 2020

I ended up waking up around lunchtime. Getting extra sleep at the moment is high on my to do list. I’m still not feeling great and my heart rate is still being more erratic than I’m comfortable with. I know I should probably go to see a doctor but there are a couple of things that are really stopping me.

Obviously the first hurdle to visiting a doctor is my agoraphobia. (This is so hard for me to talk about.) I haven’t left the house in over two years, possibly three. Before that I had mostly stayed in for about four or five years.

Four years ago, when my dad was dying from cancer, I came home and acted like I was normal. That was a very stressful time because not only did I have to care for someone who had abused me for 25+ years, I had to stop paying attention to how I felt or I wouldn’t have been able to leave the house.

Once my father passed away, I didn’t leave the house much after that. I went to the airport a couple of times to pick up wifey, a Christmas shopping trip with wifey and that’s about it. Each event felt more and more stressful.

I am worried that something bad will happen to me if I leave the house. I’m worried (even though hubby is a pretty good driver) that I’ll end up in a car accident. I’m worried a stranger will be mean, hurtful or violent towards me. I’m worried something bad will happen to the house if I’m not there. Worry, anxiety and stress are overwhelming and that’s just thinking about leaving. The reality of leaving is so much worse.

The second obstacle is my fear of people. I’ve spent a lot of my life being judged, being told I’m not good enough, being told that I am doing everything wrong. Having a stranger (Doctor) doing that to me is too overwhelming. I know I will shut down and still not do what I have to.

The third obstacle is the Covid-19 virus. While this is such an issue, I don’t want to go to a Doctors office or the hospital. I don’t want to put myself at risk of catching it. My immune system doesn’t handle sickness and especially not one of this magnitude.

Wow, I wasn’t really expecting all that to come out. I was just going to talk about my levelling for another day in WoW. With my levelling obsession in full swing, I spent the rest of the day levelling my character to max and getting her geared enough for Sunday mythics.

There wasn’t time at the end of the day to do a post so I figured I would get caught up (again) on Sunday.

Day 361 – 29 March 2020

My mythical Sunday started earlier than normal, which I was happy about. I’ve been playing WoW with a healer friend for 3 years and it has been enjoyable for the most part. We jumped straight into a hard dungeon and I got super stressed, super quickly. BAM!!! The same feeling from two weeks prior started again. My head started feeling light, my heart rate accelerated and I just felt off. After two easier dungeons I had to call it a day and get back in bed.

I spent the day in bed and of course there was no chance of an update.

Day 362 – 30 March 2020

I spent Monday in bed. I just didn’t want to push myself at all. I continued my diet of Youtube videos and naps. When it was time to sleep, I tried a Guided Healing Meditation; Cell and Nerve Healing. I was able to get through it without it causing any weird feelings and it got my heart rate down to a healthy rate after about 16 minutes. The guide goes for 47 minutes.

Day 363 – 31 March 2020

It was another uneventful rest day. I binged on Youtube videos and only got up when hubby was home. It was a long day in bed because hubby had to do overtime again. We’re very thankful he’s been getting a little extra work during a time when so many people are unable to work.

During one of my naps I had some pretty bad dreams about my dad. I just couldn’t shake the bad feels after that. There has been a string of bad dreams over the last few days. Not my usual weather dreams either. I would take a tornado dream over the ones I’ve been having any day.

The highlight of the day was my friend, The Pally, getting in touch. He’s been busy working hard and we’d gone a few weeks without talking. I sometimes feel like our friendship is a burden on him. While I’m always there to listen and support him however I can, I don’t feel like I have much to offer. Most of the time I don’t understand why anyone likes me.

Day 364 – 1 April 2020

It was another day mostly in bed. Hubby had to finish off the overtime from the previous night, so he was home late-ish again. Even though I’ve still been able to chat with wifey on Discord, it’s been crazy lonely with hubby getting home so late. I’m thankful that I have two people who love me and I was even more thankful that my friend, The Pally, got in touch with me again.

Day 365 – 2 April 2020

There wasn’t much to today but I decided to work on a Puddles. I drew up about six days worth of cells, grabbed my supplies and worked from bed. It almost feels like the universe decided I wasn’t isolated enough and just wanted me to share the struggles of everyone else. It worked. I feel more isolated and I’m definitely struggling more. Not having my art, language learning or even simple comments from wonderful people from all over the globe has kind of hit me hard.

Puddles will be playing catch up for a while. We’re going back a few weeks for today’s.

In today’s Adventures of Arthur Puddles we find him, Rosie and Douglas dog celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Arthur was waiting for Rosie in a pot of gold (chocolate) coins at the end of a rainbow. Rosie served up some frothy green drinks. Even though they couldn’t go out, they had fun celebrating at home.

arthurpuddles.art.blog

Day 366 – 3 April 2020

The first thing I did was grabbed my Puddles sketch book and tried to mentally plan out a few to draw. I was successful. In between napping and Youtube I managed to get three drawn. It was a nice day and I was glad to get out of bed when hubby got him. I stayed as relaxed as I could and we had a lot of laughs watching photo slideshows on Youtube about how people are dealing with the Covid-19 crisis. You can check them out on the DAILY HUMOR channel.

In today’s Adventures of Arthur Puddles we find him celebrating National Button Week in the most peculiar way. He found inspiration in a song written by Sia. The song is called Buttons. He had a lot of fun recreating scenes from the video clip.

arthurpuddles.art.blog

Day 367 – 4 April 2020

Today has been a hard day. I’m not sure if it’s because I really wanted to get an update done, get a bunch of Puddles finished or because it’s officially my one year blogiversary and I don’t think it’s been an overly successful year. I’ve felt pretty stressed all day which is the opposite of what I am trying to do at the moment.

Because of the extra stress I’ve been feeling today I haven’t really done much. I spent the morning on Youtube, followed by a sweet little nap. In the afternoon I got up to work on this update and colouring the Puddles. It took me a good 6 hours to get it all done.

The weekend starts for hubby tomorrow, so I will take another two days of resting without guilt. On Tuesday I am going to try harder to get back into a normal routine. I may still need more break times than I’d like but I know that if I can start working on my goals again, it will at least improve my mental health.

In today’s Adventures of Arthur Puddles we find him at a local farm feeding some chickens on Poultry Day.

arthurpuddles.art.blog

If you’ve read this whole post, you are my hero! Thank you. I hope you are keeping healthy, entertained and happy during the Covid-19 crisis. I know how hard it is and I’m sending you all the love and light I can. Stay safe.

Tilly

Published by

Tilly Collins

I'm on a life changing journey to 40. There will be ups, there will be downs. I'm like a roller coaster but with more agoraphobia.

7 thoughts on “Day 359 – 367”

  1. The anxieties manifesting as agoraphobia are sadly probably well founded now. I am not an agoraphobe but I am generally much happier and less anxious in my sanctuary 🙂 I feel quite thankful that I am not a socialite- I don’t know how the bar flys are handling this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t think they’d be handling it very well. Thankfully we still have the internet and that gives us the chance to interact with people. Definitely hard times for a lot of people though.

      It’ll be funny in 50 years time when kids ask what it was like in 2020 and we will be saying; we had no toilet paper and we weren’t allowed to hang out with our friends.

      Liked by 1 person

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