Day 66

[Written around 11 am]
If I was a child, you would find me in a busy shopping centre, in the middle of an aisle, kicking and screaming and throwing the most dramatic tantrum. In reality, I’m sitting in the lounge room, sobbing. Everything feels hopeless, everything seems pointless, the journey drags on. The bad feels have staked their claim like a prospector in gold rush times. There’s guns a blazin’ and a smell of desperation in the air.

After about 5 hours sleep, I rose to shiver and scowl under a fluffy blanket. The morning came too quick and I was feeling unprepared. Hubby and I had an unpleasant conversation about conversations. Blasted conversation.

Hubby left for work and I worked out and showered. Both were laced with bouts of sobbing. When I say sobbing, I mean the sort of gut wrenching sob that comes from a deep place, followed by a gasp of breath as if it was your last. My dramatic has been cranked to 11.

[Written around 2 pm]
I spent the rest of the morning mindlessly staring at Good Mythical Morning episodes. Soon as I’d run out of new episodes, I decided to sing.

The singing was also splashed with tears. I decided to at least sing sad sounding songs, so the quivery voice would at least fit. Not the most uplifting of ideas but it passed some time creatively.

[Written around 6 pm]
After lunch, with no desire to be creative, I logged on to WoW to pass some time. I was thrust into an intense social situation which was overwhelming. I tried to focus but it was hard. There were more tears.

Once the chaos had died down and I was left with my two friends, I had a couple of laughs and started feeling a bit lighter.

By late afternoon I felt like I was trying to hang on to the bad mood. If it could be that bad all day, then surely I was really feeling that bad. The bad feels were real but I did start feeling better.

I did my French refresher again. Until I can get through each practice run without a mistake, I’ll just keep practicing. I’d prefer to take it slow and actually learn how to speak French over rushing it and only remembering a few words.

The pile next to my computer

To end the night I picked up my knitting needles and tried to start a knitting pattern. I haven’t even been able to get past the first row yet. I’m on my fourth attempt. Fingers crossed this will be the one that works.

Today is not one I can be proud of but I do need to share the lows alongside the highs. That’s life and life is about learning how to deal with all of it. I am not defined by one bad day, it was simply a bad day. I am not defined by a string of bad days. Every day is a chance to try again. I’ll just keep trying.


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Tilly Collins

I'm on a life changing journey to 40. There will be ups, there will be downs. I'm like a roller coaster but with more agoraphobia.

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