Day 65

Today didn’t really go as planned, although I didn’t really have anything planned. I woke a little bit late and didn’t feel like doing the day. I got my workout out of the way quickly and really enjoyed pushing myself hard but still didn’t really feel like daying.

After that I thought I’d play a little WoW for some mindless fun before I started a knitting project. 7 hours later, I logged off.

Before I start the story of my time in WoW, I will point out that I’m not a very social person. I never leave the house and I’m never around people. The last time I left the house was well over a year ago. I find being in social situations very stressful and that includes being in voice chat on Discord. I’m always worried I won’t hear or understand people properly, that my response will be the wrong one or people will think I’m not very smart.

The first thing that happened was an out of the ordinary encounter with a bully. I created a group and had someone apply that just wasn’t up to the job. I declined them. Then we had an exchange of words that sorta went like this…

Him: jks
Me: I don’t know what you mean
Him: Just kill yourself
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re trying to say
Him: Slit your wrists
Him: Bleed out
Him: Just die
Me: I still don’t know what you mean
Him: Kill yourself
Him: Even your mom won’t miss you
Me: Are you even speaking English? What do you mean?

It was at that point he had blocked me and our witty banter came to a screeching halt. I felt it was a pretty good way to deal with a bully. I mean, what was he going to do? He wasn’t making any ground, he couldn’t hurt me with word nor fist, so he gave up.

While all that was going on, I was in Discord, just hanging out with a friend who always makes me voice chat. I say that he makes me because I never really want to and he always calls before I can say no. In saying that, I do enjoy his company and feel pretty comfortable with him, although, I can go for long periods without saying anything to him.

Two hours later we were joined by a mutual friend. I’ve been playing the game with her for a couple of years. She’s super friendly and sweet but we don’t voice chat often. The three of us had lots of laughs and I felt mostly comfortable. After a couple of hours, I started to feel a little worn out and wasn’t participating as much in the conversation, which they noticed and commented on.

Five hours later, we were joined by another person, who I didn’t really know. With the noise and chaos of three voices, feeling worn out and with a stranger in the midst, I withdrew from the conversation, only ever giving short answers. I have nothing against the third person but this situation had become too hard.

I said that I wanted to be more social, so I feel this was a step in the right direction. It’s a situation I will likely find myself in again. It’s a situation where I am forced to participate and respond. I’m sure it will all be more comfortable eventually but right now, I am drained.

I feel like I have wasted a day but human interactions are valuable and important and it’s something I really need to do more.

After all that talking, I still did my French refreshers. There are a number of things that I’m having trouble remembering. A lot of small things like ‘s’ being on the end of words or that croissants are male and the masculine of ‘the’ is le. In fact, I’m not sure that’s true. Eep! More practice.

Tomorrow I will make sure to get something creative done but there’ll be a little relaxing too. Sunday is going to be a busy day of spring cleaning.

I hope life has treated you kindly this week.


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Tilly Collins

I'm on a life changing journey to 40. There will be ups, there will be downs. I'm like a roller coaster but with more agoraphobia.

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