Day 33

Today was supposed to be a relaxing day. Today is the most stressed and unhappy I have felt for sometime. It’s like I’ve been on the verge of hyperventilating all day. Living with depression feels like my greatest challenge to overcome and sometimes I don’t feel like I have the strength for this battle.

I don’t think anything has happened to set this sad mood in motion but it now feels like an out of control car, with no brakes, going down a hill, headed for a lake.

I woke up and worked out and meditated just like I should. Both tasks were harder than normal. While I worked out (on a day I wouldn’t normally, pushing myself as hard as I could) that nagging voice of doubt sparked up. Constant words of ‘this won’t work’, ‘you’re wasting your time’, swirled and stayed.

They got louder as I tried to immerse myself in meditation. In the 10 minute meditation program, I could barely hold focus for more than 30 seconds before my brain had wandered off to throw rotten fruit at my attempt.

After a disappointing morning, I crawled back into bed by early afternoon. I just wanted to nap it all away. That didn’t work and I woke to feeling the same. At this point I am just going through the motions and looking forward to more sleep.

I’m not sure if I’m feeling rundown or if I’m feeling overwhelmed at a month of big life changes (after 8+ years of no changes.) I know I don’t want to bury my head in pointless tasks, just so I can somewhat numb the pain, like I used to do. I must be on the right path now or at very least path adjacent. Self doubt is today’s hurdle.

Tomorrow I will try again.

Hugs and support for anyone who is facing an uphill battle.


Published by

Tilly Collins

I'm on a life changing journey to 40. There will be ups, there will be downs. I'm like a roller coaster but with more agoraphobia.

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